Back in September 2015, my friend Joya contacted me to be a part of a video for the up and coming artist Iyves. After a meeting with the director, Christine Yuan, and after listening to Iyves' music I was convinced that it was fate for me to be a part of this project.
The creative team spent a weekend in Coachella Valley filming in some of California's most interesting natural and manmade landscapes:
The final product was beautiful:
Even after the project was finished I felt compelled to dance to the song and decided to dedicate a Mood Mondays to it:
As I sat down to write this blog entry, I couldn't remember what had happened back in September 2015 that inspired the mood for Episode 16. Luckily I have a pretty detailed Google Calendar that tracks all the events in my life, from major dance projects to yoga classes.
I found that around the time this video was made and published was also the audition for Grease: Live (more on that experience in a later post). I remember that process being so intense yet inspiring. After the call was the call back, after the call back was the final call back, and after the final call back was the final final call back. I remember thinking to myself, "Man, everyone in this room is so dang talented." The caliber of dancers in the room was such that Zach Woodlee, the choreographer, could've closed his eyes, spun in a circle, chosen 10 dancers at random, and there still would've been some darn good dancing in the show.
Really. Everyone was that awesome.
But in the end, the dancers were likely cast based on a whole host of other factors outside of skill alone. Dancing is an art, and casting is an art too. It takes a very discerning eye to understand how specific individuals can mesh together to create a larger whole. After all good ingredients combined together don't always make a good dish. And while I may be biased, the dish our Grease: Live creative team whipped up was worthy of a Michelin star rating:
Actors and dancers with director (Tommy) and choreographer (Zach)
The Grease: Live Cast
And that was the reason why I felt (and still feel) so humbled. LA is a competitive city filled with some of the nation's most talented professional dancers. My livelihood as a commercial dancer is booking jobs and beating out the sometimes hundreds of other dancers in the room. As a result, I generally forget to take a moment to simply marvel at how incredibly skilled my peers are. It's easy in this kind of environment to feel envy over admiration.
But last year was also a year of great personal growth for me. I finally felt ready to face a few demons that I had shoved to the back of the closet when I first moved to LA 7 years ago. In so doing, my perception of LA and of commercial dance shifted. I began seeing it as one (but not the only one) outlet for me to find purpose and build identity. All of that trickled down into my every day life, so instead of feeling hyper-competitive (though I still felt anxious) in that final final call back I felt humbled.
Now that you understand the intention and reasoning behind the video, I invite you to enjoy Episode 16 of my Mood Mondays series:
Episode 16: "Holocene" by Bon Iver
Mood: Humbled
Location: Griffith Park, CA
Videographer: Selina Ruthe
You can find the rest of the series up to Episode 27 of Mood Mondays on my YouTube channel and website.
I've always been in love with the song, "Pure" by Ginger Brooks Takahashi and Mirah Yom Tom Zeitlyst. There is something very soothing and grounding about the way the beat intertwines with the singer's voice. I didn't have a clear concept videography wise for this episode, but Selina and I collaborated on creating the space once we figured out what I would be doing movement wise. We deliberately started off in darkness, and I thought it'd be interesting to direct my movement to the light ball since it was such had such a strong visual presence in the shot:
Episode 15: "Pure" by Ginger Brooks Takahashi and Mirah Yom Tom Zeitlyst
For this episode Selina and I wanted to film in a different part of Griffith Park, and wound up on top of a hill right as the sun was setting. It was the perfect example of how being curious and experimental can lead to some beautiful results:
This mood wasn't inspired by a deep psychological state of confusion, but a reaction to the strange weather in Los Angeles. That got me thinking about the range of intensity of all emotions, and how different events can leave you feeling different levels of one emotion (a hurtful confusion versus a curious confusion). Then I thought about how living in the unknown can be very powerful. Being dazed and confused can be unsettling, but when I find myself in that state I remind myself that as long as I persevere there is clarity at the other side:
It seems that I've developed a terrible habit of not regularly posting descriptions and explanations of my "Mood Mondays". There's no real explanation as to why this is so, except that I've just been lazy.
And that, coincidentally, was the mood for Episode 7. The week we filmed this episode, I was coming off a hectic week of rehearsals and projects, and didn't feel like moving to any upbeat music. I chose Youth Lagoon because Trevor Powers' muffled drawl is exactly the kind of music I would want to hear while lying in my bed and daydreaming:
Episode 7: "Posters" by Youth Lagoon
Mood: Lazy
Location: Echo Park Lake
Videographer: Selina Ruthe
The following week I kicked it up a few notches. I heard Cayucas for the very first time on KCRW, and even caught them live in Pasadena at the KCRW Summer Nights event. Their carefree and uptempo sound transformed my mood, and I felt compelled (in a good way) to dance to their music:
Selina mentioned a few days prior to us filming Episode 5 how she wanted to see me do a more playful Mood Monday. And I was of course up to the challenge. We filmed this one the night before I left for my Barcelona trip, and I was naturally feeling jittery and excited. I heard Sylvan Esso for the first time on KCRW, and then caught them live at Coachella Weekend 2 late in April. Their album had been on repeat shuffle for the 2 or 3 weeks, and I immediately thought of this song because of it's upbeat tempo.
Episode 6: "Gimme All Your Live" by Alabama Shakes
Alabama Shakes is a strong contender for New Favorite Artist of 2015 for me. I also heard them for the first time on KCRW, and then fell head over heels in love after watching their performance at Coachella. The only way I can describe this song is through a coloring analogy: It sounds like someone coloring so intensely and passionately that it's as if the lines of the picture don't even exist. The wildness of Brittany Howard's voice is magical, rough, and beautifully desperate.
Life is full of memorable first experiences: First drink, first kiss, first love.
But second experiences, while seemingly unoriginal, are unique. This can be especially true in traveling, in which a second visit can feel like a visit to a completely different city from the one in the memory bank.
Such was the case when I visited Barcelona, Spain for the second time. My first visit to beautiful Barca was about six months ago. It was a three day trip: two I spent traveling in and out of the city and one I spent mainly indoors for work. I stayed in a gorgeous luxurious hotel and got quick glimpses of the Sagrada Familia, Parc Guell, and even watched a lively (albeit unimpressive) Flamenco show. It all went by in a flash, and I didn't even get to try any paella!
Sagrada Familia
Park Guell
My second time in Barcelona was about two weeks ago, when I visited the city to teach and judge for Urban Display 2015. Already in its 19th year, Urban Display began as Spain's first hip-hop dance competition and has since grown to be the nation's largest and most popular event of the year:
Packed audience
If you know me, you know that I tend not to feel anything before leaving for a big trip. I try not to project any expectations on how much or little fun I'll have. However, my emotions before this particular trip were all over the place.
On one hand, I was really excited to be teaching abroad for the very first time (here I must go on a slight tangent and give a huge thank you to Jillian Meyers for believing in me). On the other hand, I was very nervous by the fact that, unlike my friends Vinh, Mike, and Paul, I'm not well-known internationally. I was unsure if the students would like my choreography, or if they would even be able to pick it up. I figured the workshop would be mainly hip-hop dancers, and decided to teach this Flume/Chet Faker piece (it's kind of hip-hoppy right?):
My worries weren't completely unfounded, but I did end up having a great time teaching. The language barrier was a problem only to the extent that many of the non-movement based lessons that I wanted to impart (those pertaining to trying new things and letting go of inhibitions) might've flown straight over the students' heads.
After our classes on the first day, we judged over 250 numbers over the next two days. The participants ranged from beginners at 6 years old, to professional dancers in their mid-20's, all the way up to parents and grandparents in their 60's! The dancers' passion and love for dance was insanely transparent. And I think it was this mutual love that bolstered the camaraderie between competing groups, despite it being a rigorous competition. Also surprising was how grateful the participants were for getting any place, whether it was 1, 2 or 3. Seeing their excitement and tears, I myself nearly cried a few times during the award ceremonies:
Aside from the work being different, there was something else about this Barcelona trip that made it unlike the first. I think that because I had already seen the touristy spots during my first visit, I had little desire to go out of my way to see them again. Additionally, because of our jam packed schedule, I spent about 90% of my time with my friends and the organizer, Sarah.
Sarah was like our tour guide sent from heaven during the trip. She took really good care of us, and made sure we experienced some wonderful local spots including Vinitus, Woki Organic Market, and Jamboree. I was really grateful to her for her hospitality and generosity throughout the trip:
Vinh, Mike, Sarah, myself, and Paul
My second visit to Barcelona couldn't have been more different from the first. The city and its people embraced me with a warmer hug, and even showed me a side of itself seldom shown to first time visitors. Barca had shed its flashy exterior, and treated me not as a stranger but as a returning friend.
Alas, I again failed to have authentic Spanish paella. But you know what they say, third times a charm.
When I first heard Forest Gump say his infamous quote on life and chocolates, I didn't find it to be particularly true. "Life is like a box of chocolates," he says. "You never know what you're going to get."
But when I think about it now, the quote couldn't be closer to the truth. Each day in my life is like a single little morsel of chocolate. It can be full of yummy gooey caramel (amazing!), but it can also be filled with cloyingly sweet banana flavored cream (awful!).
And sometimes a banana flavored cream filled chocolate is so awful that even after I've reluctantly swallowed it, I can't get the terrible memory of the flavor out of my mind. I dwell on it so much that everything I eat seems to also be flavored like artificially sweetened banana cream.
Similarly, sometimes one singular event in a day can cause so much sadness that even after the moment has passed, I can't stop thinking about it or feeling sad. It's like I've transformed into Eeyore, in which a storm cloud follows me every step I take.
Episode 4 of Mood Mondays was filmed after an event that was really heartbreaking for me. While I won't go into detail about what happened, I hope that my movement was enough to demonstrate my emotions at the time. You can watch the full version on Vimeo at this link, or watch the slightly shortened and lower quality Blogger version:
When I hear that word I immediately think of the dancing that goes on in those human-made circles at various dance and/or social functions. Usually freestyle circles are dominated by urban dancers whose strengths include hip hop, break dancing, popping, locking, etc. More often than not they look like this:
Freestyle circles are a lot of fun, but my involvement in them is usually limited to that of a very enthusiastic observer. This is mainly because my free style doesn't look anything like that demonstrated in the above video. I'm not sure how well my natural movement inclinations fit with a song like, "Partition". I don't think I "go off" in the conventional way when "B*!@# 'Betta Have My Money" comes on, I don't practice freestyle dancing very often, and I don't feel comfortable doing it in front of large audiences.
A still of what I look like freestyling
But in all honesty, I love free style dancing.
Recently, a talented friend, Mason Cutler, started posting #freedancefriday clips on Instagram. I was blown away (please do yourself a favor and watch some of his work); his style has elements of hip hop intertwined with his own quirky way of moving. After seeing his videos I was super motivated to practice and develop my own freestyle vocabulary.
So that's when my friend Selina and I conceptualized a new series called, "Mood Mondays". The premise is this: Every week I'll choose a different song that embodies my mood and then freestyle dance to it.
The purpose of these videos isn't to help me show off big fancy tricks (because let's be real, I don't have any). Instead, these videos provide a way for me to practice purposeful freestyling.
So without further ado, I am pleased to share with you Episode 1 of our Mood Mondays series:
Episode 1: "Leave Off / The Cave" by Jose Gonzalez
Mood: Sunny and free
When you live in LA and do what I do, you can sometimes hear little demons inside your head. They say things like, "You're not good enough. You're not pretty enough. You're not this enough. You're not that enough." And sometimes, if you're like me, you wish you could pull those little demons out of your head and fight them head on.
I imagine that if that could ever happen, this is what it would look like:
But unfortunately for me, that above pseudo battle scene against imaginary demons is not a reality. I can't get rid of negative thoughts simply by ripping them up with my bare hands and throwing them away like trash. Like rubbish. Like unwanted matter. Where the little demons come from: It might be hard for someone on the outside looking in to know what it is that dancers/artists like me go through. Yes, I am the perfect example of the worn out Generation Y catchphrases: I am "living my dreams" and "doing what I love". However, in doing what I love for a living I am wholly invested in the results. I take every compliment, criticism, or judgement personally. No, it's not the most psychologically nurturing profession per se. But then again, a lot of my internal struggles are probably self-induced. It's ironic that someone like me who is outwardly conflict-averse can feel so much inner turmoil. When I dig deep enough, I can pin it on two lines of thinking: 1) Hard work and talent lead to inevitable success and 2) Always strive to be the best. 1) Hard work and talent lead to inevitable success Between the ages of around 14-23, and especially while I was studying at UCLA, I applied this method to everything from school assignments to dance auditions. My logic went like this:
If my work is good enough I get an "A" (success) and if my work is not good enough I get less than an "A" (fail).
If I'm a good enough dancer I book the job (success) and if I'm not a good enough dancer I don't book the job (fail).
Unfortunately, as hard as it was for my naive 18 year old self to believe, the industry is not wholly meritocratic. When my previous theory of success in the industry finally unraveled, I became hyper-aware of my appearance as a huge factor in job bookings. So now, my logic went like this:
If I'm [pretty, skinny, a good dancer, PERFECT] I book the job (success) and if I'm [ugly, not-fit enough, a bad dancer, NOT PERFECT] I don't book the job (fail).
With this new line of thinking, I saw "failure" not only as commentary on my skills but also as a personal jab at me. It's as if someone was saying that they don't like me. It's not my work, not my project, not my proposal. It's me.
And the worst part is, I never knew what part of me the hiring committee didn't like. Unlike most normal job interviews after which one can follow up with an email or phone call, there isn't standard post-audition protocol. As such, there have been countless auditions that I've been through that have broken my heart and left me wondering whether I was: too short, too youthful looking, too slender, not slender enough, etc. The list of self-deprecating descriptions is never ending in show business, and made even longer by those inner demons that normally lie dormant in my head. Doesn't sound too healthy, does it? 2) Always strive to be the best It's healthy to be driven and to strive to accomplish great things. When I was growing up, there were clear goals in school and in dance for me to aim for: straight A's, student body president, title awards at dance competitions, first overall, etc. My improvements could be measured by my achievements, and I was given validation for my efforts through these material recognitions.
Me and Brian Friedman in 2008 when I won Pulse Elite Protege
My UCLA diploma. Finished in the top 5% of my graduating class!
Finished this half marathon in 1:37:36. First woman in my age group!
After I graduated from college and entered the commercial dance industry, I had fewer interactions with the types of people and activities that I felt gave my hard work any value. Those original metrics were replaced with things like Youtube views, Instagram likes, and job bookings. I'm neither a Youtube celebrity nor am I "instafamous", so that left me with job bookings. The only way I could tell whether or not I was "doing a good job" and excelling in my field was by how much I worked. It's intuitive right? How to fight those little demons: Nearly seven years have passed since my first day in Los Angeles, and nearly two months have passed since returning home from one of the (if not the) greatest professional experiences of my life. I figured after all of that, after all of the different experiences I've had in the industry, I would feel more confident in myself. I thought that by now my twisted view of the way my bookings/non-bookings in the industry corresponded to my worth would have morphed. Maybe I've taken a step forward and away from making everything so personal.
But a few weeks ago I attended an audition for a job that I was very excited about. I felt I had done amazingly (potential success), only to find out I didn't book the job (fail). All of a sudden, I was engulfed in an overwhelming feeling of disappointment. I started analyzing and second guessing every decision I had made that day: What did I wear? How did I do my hair? Did I dance too hard? Had I not danced hard enough? Just like that, I was back at square one. They say a tiger cannot change its stripes, and the competitive side of me wondered why I hadn't beat out the competition.
It's a terrible circumstance, having one's self-esteem tied to a turbulent work environment. In one day, I can go from feeling like I am standing at the top of the highest mountain to feeling like I am sinking to the lowest depths of the darkest ocean. So it turns out that while many things have changed since I was 18 years old, the way I internalize "failures" is still very much the same. Now what?
The answer to that question is one that I still am trying to find out for myself. For the record, I don't feel this way about everythingI audition for. There are certain projects that I get really excited about, and the mere idea of the opportunity is enough to get my hopes up. So I suppose it's just a matter of me managing my expectations. That's Tool Number 1 to defeating those little demons. Tool Number 2 is finding other ways to measure my worth and value in the creative world. This includes being more diligent in nurturing my other interests like choreographing, teaching, doing yoga, and visual design.
Spent the day at MOCA on Grand Ave. last week
Teaching flier for class at Edge PAC
Tool Number 3, and perhaps the most vital one of them all, is openly discussing my disappointments with loved ones. I've realized that in verbalizing my thoughts I shine a bright light on those demons that dwell in the darkest corners of my mind. My family and friends help me identify exactly what causes my negative emotions and help me find ways to change that mentality. It's like aiming before pulling the trigger.
The most supportive family
The greatest lady friends
At this point in my career, I know I've accomplished plenty to be proud of. But I don't care about what I've done in the past. I'm much more concerned with what I'm going to do in the future. I'm looking for the next project to work on. The next marathon to run. The next way to be better than I was yesterday.
I'm determined.
My determination is one of my greatest strengths, but if I'm not careful it will also become my achilles' heel. Those little inner demons are a byproduct of my determination. And even though seven years in this demoralizing yet beautiful city was not enough time for me to build mental immunity to their cruelties, I've FINALLY realized that I have the means to combat them (Tools 1, 2, and 3).
Who knows if and when I'll ever be rid of them but for now I'll be fighting, one battle at a time.
Being a professional dancer means that I am constantly surrounding myself with dance related things. And while it is a little embarrassing to admit, I'll say it anyways: There are times when I get tired of dancing and feel uninspired to take class or even to create.
But before I ever sink too deeply into that negative ravine of boredom, I encounter people and experience events that re-instill in me a wild love for dance. And this year's Urban Paradise was that event.
Urban Paradise is a dance showcase that is organized every year by Bay Area hip hop group, The Company. Dance groups from all over California flocked to Chabot College theater a few weeks ago and shared their talents with the dance community. The lineup included Southern Californian favorites like Cookies and SBGM as well as Bay Area groups like Press Play.
Among these groups was a project put together by Pat Cruz titled, "Homebase". It featured choreography by: JekaJane Kalotkin, Amanda Grind, Pat Cruz, Ade Willis, Aggie Loyola, and my roomie Sorah Yang. I got to be in Pat and Sorah's pieces, and it was awesome dancing alongside my talented friends:
Entity was also invited to perform; we debuted our newest piece titled, "Bloom", which was choreographed by Raymond Naval and Will Johnston:
Dance community events like this are always humbling. They remind me of the amount of passion and creativity that exists outside of the industry. These were a few of my personal favorites of the evening in no particular order:
I feel so grateful to be surrounded by people whose greatness reminds me of why I love doing what I do. A huge thank you to The Company, Entity, Pat, Sorah, and everyone involved with Urban Paradise! You were all, and continue to be, a unique collective of artists from whom I draw an immense amount of inspiration from.
Finding the perfect roommate in LA is tricky. Craigslist is generally questionable and even friends can make faulty suggestions. So I believed it to be incredible luck when I found my roommate Sorah Yang (or rather, when she found me).
If you listed a few of my and Sorah's characteristics on paper, we would appear to be identical humans:
-Dancers
-From the Bay Area
-College graduates (USC and UCLA, go Bruins!)
-Received business degrees
-Worked in fashion PR
-Community dancers
-Asian
-Small
Even our morals and ways of thinking are rooted in the same ideals; we've had notoriously long and deep conversations on random subjects, all to find that we feel similarly.
But even though we share many of the same qualities, we are in actuality quite different in style and personality. Sorah and I both dance powerfully; that is, we both execute movement with a lot of aggression. However, our dissimilar dance backgrounds results in very different types of movement:
Additionally, unlike myself, Sorah is a beautiful singer. While I can jam out on the piano and belt a nice tune in the shower, don't expect me to be doing anything like this anytime soon:
All that being said, Sorah and I talked for a long time about collaborating together. We felt that despite our differences we could come up with something really cool and unlike anything either of us had ever done before.
Weeks and months passed; our separate and busy schedules deterred us from turning our idea into a reality. We were finally presented an opportunity at the end of September, when our dear friend Kelly Masumiya was coordinating an arts event titled, "Passage":
The event was an amazing arts experience hosted by Kelly, George Anzaldo, and Jillian Meyers. It featured Kelly's "Vintique" series photographs, artwork by George, and a sleuth of beautiful live performances. Among these performances was a collaboration between me, Sorah, and her friend David. Sorah found and tweaked the arrangement for the song, and I discussed with her the parts of the music I wanted to dance to. We only rehearsed a few times, but the end product was pretty awesome (you can judge for yourself):
This was fun to work on because it was not only time pressured but also a kind of project I had never done before. It definitely won't be the last time that she and I work on something together. And hopefully, we can collaborate on a more regular basis from here on out. You might even see some contemporary moves to a Machine Gun Kelly song in the near future.
Our "Passage" collaboration was a melding of two nearly identical yet completely different artists. It was also a perfect representation of our relationship as roommates and friends: harmonious, balanced, and dynamic.
There is nothing truer than the age old idiom that says, "Where there is a will, there is a way."
As I noted in my last post, the "Yeezus" Tour was put on an indefinite hiatus after the show's 60-foot screen was damaged en route to Vancouver. With all the uncertainties surrounding the tour postponement I immediately phoned my agent to discuss potential work opportunities in Los Angeles, emphasizing my desire to dance on X Factor. Even though it seemed highly improbable that the tour schedule and the television show schedule would align in such a way to allow me to experience both, I was hoping with all my might that it somehow would all fall into place.
And lo and behold, it did.
What made me so hungry for this particular opportunity was the desire to work with the artistic forces behind the show. The creative team for X Factor is like something out of a dream:
Creative Director:Jamie King - An artistic mastermind known for his work with pop superstars like Britney Spears and Madonna.
Choreographer:Galen Hooks - A visionary, industry veteran, and true artist whose resume reads like a thorough chronology of major commercial and entertainment industry projects. Incredibly talented, unique, and a college graduate (woo!).
Associate Choreographer:Jae Blaze - A funky choreographer who is "synonymous with unparalleled creativity, exceptional work ethic, and... a commitment to the well being of her dancers."
Associate Choreographers:Keone & Mariel Madrid - Dance God and Goddess from the hip-hop community whose talents are unexplainable:
I first met Mari nearly 6 years ago when I took my first hip hop classes with Funkanometry SF. Begin watching this video of Mari's class from 2007 at around 1:30 and you might recognize a little squirt in black sweats and a white t-shirt on the left:
And our paths continued to cross in the years thereafter. When I was involved with NSU Modern at UCLA, I remember seeing Mari and Keone at hip hop events like Vibe Dance Competition and Fusion. I have always deeply respected the duo's work with Choreo Cookies, or Cookies as they are known as now:
Over the years, my admiration for these two as individuals and as a pair has grown immensely.
The whole audition process for X Factor about a month ago solidified my feelings about the project. It was well organized, the dancing was challenging yet fun, and the dancers were treated respectfully throughout it all. I voiced my thoughts to my agent following the audition, letting them know just how much I wanted to work with the X Factor team. I repeated my desires to them again once I returned to LA.
The stars somehow aligned this past week, and I was very fortunate to be a part of Ellona Santiago and Lillie Mcloud's performances:
Jamie stood at the helm of the creative ship, steering and orchestrating concepts while each choreographer turned these concepts into reality. I worked mostly with Galen and Keone & Mari; working with them in the professional setting and being in the creative process with them was, for lack of a better word, magical.
The whole group
Me with Keone & Mari
Galen!
Marina: the sweetest and most talented wardrobe lady
So whether it was mere happenstance or my strong will, the improbable happened. This special project was a reminder that even when the odds are stacked heavily against me, with a little push and a lot of luck, I can turn a desire into reality.
